Feature
03 March 2025

Truth is sometimes stranger than fiction. In 2023, the London-based influencer, Sullen Carey, decided to marry herself, in a bold statement of self-love. She tried everything to make the marriage work and even attended couple therapy sessions alone. But she found herself deeply lonely. Citing the unsustainability of the relationship, she made the difficult decision to call it quits with herself, just one year on.

Interpersonal relationships are complicated but perhaps not as complicated as the intrapersonal relationship. Are we supposed to love ourselves or hate ourselves? Are we supposed to deny the self or affirm the self? Are we supposed to relate to the self with pessimism or optimism?

In a world where self-love has become a non-negotiable approach to life, the statistics for self-harm are counterintuitively on the ascendency. We are told to love ourselves but what if we don’t find anything lovable? How can we love ourselves when we do the things we don’t want to do and not do the things we want to do? Pithy slogans and skin-deep ethics of self-love are impotent in the face of these deep existential struggles. Harold Wahking concurs, “Narcissism is often glorified, and the media thrust such persons at us as role models. Yet this is also a time in which people struggle with a despairing sense of lost or undeveloped self.” (Self-Denial, 1079)

How is the Christian disciple meant to navigate these existential tensions?

Weighing in on this issue is the wonderfully wise John Stott. For him, the crux of the issue is the cross of Christ. In John Stott’s magisterial magnum opus, The Cross of Christ, he writes, “The cross revolutionizes our attitudes to ourselves… How should we think of ourselves? What attitude should we adopt towards ourselves? These are questions to which a satisfactory answer cannot be given without reference to the cross.” (p. 317) Subsequently, Stott goes on to detail how the cross of Christ leads us to maintain this paradoxical relationship with the self, both self-denial and self-affirmation (p. 322-330). Not a meeting in the middle between denial and affirmation but a hearty embrace of both aspects of this paradoxical ethic.

Given the limitations of space, the rest of this article will articulate just one of these aspects. In particular, it will consider how the cross of Christ leads the Christian disciple to a particular cruciform self-denial. This will be done by zeroing in on the single most influential text on self-denial: “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” (Luke 9:23; parallels in Mark 8:34; Matt. 16:24).

The Cross Leads Us to Self-Denial

Jesus preached (Luke 9:23-27) and patterned (Luke 9:21-22) self-denial. Yet, he isn’t the only thought leader that advocated for such an ethic. There is no lack of philosophical systems in society that affirm self-denial. In the East, various schools of Buddhism see suffering as a result of human desires and thus the denial of human desires is the prescribed means to eradicate human suffering.

Similarly, in the West, there is no lack of philosophies which stress the denial of the self. Of these, perhaps the most representative is that of Arthur Schopenhauer’s (1788-1860). For Schopenhauer, human desires lead to frustration that in turn generates self-loathing. In such a system, the ethic of self-denial is deemed essential (The World as Will and Representation. Vol. 1, § 68).

Amidst the plethora of such philosophies, what makes Christ’s call to self-denial unique? In short, Christ’s cross uniquely shapes the Christian disciple’s self-denial in at least two ways.

First, what makes Christ’s call to self-denial unique is in how it is exemplified. Christ’s call to self-denial only makes sense because Christ himself goes to the Cross. In particular, the call to “deny” one’s self and “take up” one’s cross (Luke 9:23; c.f. Mark 8:34; Matt. 16:24) is only given after the revelation that the “Christ of God” (v.20) “must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised” (v.22). Often in the gospels, Jesus’ predictions of his sufferings are immediately followed by the call to self-denial (e.g. Mark 10:32-45; Luke 9:51-62). It is often said that the leader of an organisation sets the tone for those in the organization. Christ’s cross sets the tone for all Christian disciples, for “a servant is not greater than his master” (John 13:16, Matt. 10:24).

Second, what makes Christ’s call to self-denial unique is that it is doxological. While other philosophies of the self may call for self-denial for some sort of self-betterment, Christ’s call is about following Christ. Jesus’ call to self-denial is framed by the “come after me” and “follow me” (v. 23). Self-denial is not an end in itself. Losing one’s life is not for one’s own sake but “for my sake” (v. 24).

Such a doxological approach to self-denial is rooted in the Cross because the object of the Christian disciple’s doxology is also the object of the crucifixion. In the words of the Apostle Paul, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Gal. 2:20) Jesus’ sacrifice in turn motivates our doxological sacrifice (Rom. 12:1).

Here, something else needs to be said: the doxological nature of self-denial is quintessential for human flourishing. Jesus doesn’t say “whoever loses his life will save it” but “whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.” (v. 24). Commenting on this, Christopher Watkin notes, “The addition of these words turns the verse from a perverse exaltation of self-destruction to an ecstatic Christward doxology.” (Gilles Deleuze, 106) To flourish as human beings made for the glory of Christ, one must engage in doxological self-denial.

Conclusion

The cross not only exemplifies self-denial, it provides the doxological motivation for self-denial. We deny ourselves not for self-exaltation or self-emptying but because we want to follow Jesus. The same Jesus who calls for radical self-denial also promises that his “yoke is easy, and [his] burden is light” (Matt. 11:30). The same Jesus who calls for radical self-denial also promises that he came that we may have abundant life (John 10:10). To these ends, may we reject worldly ethics of self-denial for Christ’s cruciform one.

Ps Charles Lee came to know Christ aged 10 through his aunt and started attending True Way Presbyterian Church aged 16. He worked in a bank and later attended TTC before joining the pastoral team in 2024. Charles is married to Christabel and they have a young son. In his free time, he likes to read theology, barbecue, and play Lego with his son.